What can you say about jewelry other than the person who dies with the most diamonds wins? That’s what cartoonist Gary Trudeau had one of his characters say in Doonesbury. His actual quote was “The woman who dies with the most diamonds wins.” I think it possibly applies to men as well. Maybe. Jewelry is almost, but not quite as important as table settings. I make that claim because I’m under the impression that the oldest jewelry found so far dates back about 75,000 years whereas spoons may go back earlier in the Paleolithic Period. All right, maybe those spoons were actually shells or pieces of wood with which to scoop up edibles, and maybe after they were done as food shovels, they got strung up as necklaces. It’s a close call. Human beings have an innate desire for adornment. It was only natural for early hunters and gatherers to hang pretty rocks around their necks. It’s a little bizarre to imagine them wanting to push rocks through their earlobes. But they did, and we’ve been imitating them ever since. Why? Why would it be a good idea to run away from animals and other humans who want to shove sticks, knives, or teeth through our flesh and yet at the same time think it’s a great idea to do that to ourselves and leave a colorful stone, rope, or metal in the hole we just made? I don’t have an answer. I’m just posing the question as proof that if we’re willing to mutilate ourselves for adornment then jewelry must be very important to homo sapiens. Let us not underestimate the value of a good brooch. Picture some ancient Pict, trying to figure out how to keep his animal fur or woven blanket around his shoulders so both arms were left free to murder other Picts. I can picture it. “Hey, Drost. Look what I just did.” “Wha?” “I just shoved this piece a bone through ma scairf an it stay agether.” “Good one. I’ll try me that.” “Here’s another sliver, Bruth. Use at. Hold up! Yer doing it wrong!” “Yah. I just shoved tha bone through ma thumb. Yer a dumb ass, Drost.” Nevertheless, as soon as Drost and Bruth figured out how to make sharp objects hold their clothes together without skewering their fingers, they started decorating them. So did everyone else around the world, all in an effort to prove my safety pin is better than yours. Belts count as jewelry, did you know that? Yes they do, especially when they’re made of gold. Oh, of course they started as twine or leather thongs for utilitarian purposes, but then the need for beauty and one upsmanship took over. Drost’s offspring may have tied knots in their flaxen ropes but their liege lords wore chains hammered from precious metals. Their ladies wore smaller links, highly polished, and definitely symbols of rank. It made them feel superior even if no one could see them outside the walls of their wooden castle forts. You’ve figured out by now I’ve been focusing on early European jewelry, whereas I should have led with 5,000-year-old Chinese jade. As with so many other artifacts, the Chinese took off with a bang, out-designed everyone else, and justifiably felt smug about it. Now they share their bounty with the world. They got even for being invaded and robbed of their treasures by setting up entire cities around the globe where natives go to buy jade, rubies, sapphire, and gold trappings at wholesale prices. Meanwhile, back in Russia, Botswana and the Democratic Republic of Congo, diamonds are mined and sent to Antwerp, Amsterdam, Hong Kong, London, Tokyo and Chicago to be crafted into unaffordable gemstones whose values are controlled by diamond cartels to make us believe they are rare objects of lust. Forget the fact that diamond dust is used to make drill bits on sale at Walmart. And that brings us to QVC and HSN. We’ve come a long way, baby, from Montezuma’s gold collars to Queen Elizabeth’s pearls and Duleep Singh’s Koh-i-noor diamond. The thing about QVC, HSN, and other stations of their ilk is that they have mastered the psychology of advertising; they transformed it into science. Their origins may have been hucksters at county fairs, but they’ve evolved into hypnotic snake charmers who can sell ice to Eskimos and make it look like a favor. If I sound a little bitter, maybe it’s because I am a recovering QVC addict. I’ve purchased everything from pantyhose to mixing bowls, but my particular weakness was for their jewelry. They managed to make everything oh-so almost affordable, far less pricey than the local jewelry mart. Soft, soothing voices, glittering baubles captured by savvy camera crews, lovely ladies who look just familiar enough to be your neighbor admiring the rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, and whatnots dangling from their bodies: who could resist? I was a willing victim, happily spending what I should have saved. After all, the prices were almost within reach and everything was on SALE! I was not alone in my enslavement. There was a circle of us. We’d buy plants for our gardens on the weekend and watch QVC every night. It was a vicious cycle that never ended for some of us. Fortunately, I have a three-year limit on obsessions. Once the clock struck 36 months, my QVC tickets were punched and off I ran to a new quest. My story is still echoed across the land, in millions of homes where a family is hard pressed to pay the rent and still eat between paychecks. As long as there is a television or tablet where a lonely, overworked, overly tired woman or man accidentally or by design gets caught on the fishhook of an HSN, QVC, or other sales pitch, the game is over. Out comes the credit card, someone dives deeper into debt, and a new trinket is on the way to soothe a sorry heart. Why would people do this? Why would fifteen silver chains be better than ten when you can’t afford three? I’ll tell you why. It’s because jewelry has always been, is now, and forever shall be a Very Important Piece.