Watches are relatively new to the list of non-essential objects that rank in importance far beyond their existent or non-existent utility. In other words, Very Important Pieces. When we were Bronze Age men and women decorating our eating utensils, we had no need for watches. We either waited for the sun to wake us up or got up at the sound of the wolves at our doors and lit a torch. In those days, torches were VIPs, not watches. In the 1500s, portable watches were invented but they only showed the hour, and they only showed it to the most noble of personages because they were rare, costly, and suitable for snobbery. Then in the 1600s, minute hands were added. This enabled the peerage to tell each other how many minutes it took for their horses to outrun the other’s. Up to this point watches were pendants. Once King Charles II of England invented waistcoats the pendant chains turned into fobs and watches got flatter so they could fit into the waistcoat pockets, hence “pocket watches.” You can read all about it in the “The History of Horology,” on the Govberg OnTime and other learned websites if you don’t believe me. So now imagine any number of wealthy male personages stuffed to the gills with lace neck wrappings, brocaded coats, and elegant vests with their now de rigor pocket watches attached to multiple decorative chains. Where did that leave the women? Women could still wear watches as pendants or brooches, of course, or attach them to their chatelaines (fancy belt hooks) but something new was needed. So wristwatches were invented for women. That’s right, folks. You can thank some Queens and Countesses for demanding a better way to carry a watch than on a chain. Naturally, the watches were mounted on bracelets, which puts them back into the “my jewelry is better than your jewelry” category. It wasn’t until the end of the First World War that “wristlets,” the watches worn by military men, aviators, and automobile aficionados became desirable objects for the general population of men. After that, nothing much changed until Dick Tracy days. In 1946, Chester Gould added a new gizmo to his popular Sunday comic strip about the intrepid crime-fighting detective Dick Tracy. That January, the comics reading world was introduced to a two-way wrist radio. This nifty device has been rotting our brains with notions of new possibilities ever since. Take a step back for a moment to consider mechanical analog watches. By the time they were outdated, they’d already included not only hour and minute time keeping but self-winding capability, an alarm, stopwatch functions, a moon phase indicator, and perhaps a compass. These little beauties had to be maintained by craftsmen with good eyesight and steady hands. One of my buddies used to be an amateur horologist. He would sit at his workbench on a Monday to disassemble a watch, discover what needed adjusting, fix it, and then successfully reassemble the dozens of cogs and springs. When he looked up from his work it would be Wednesday afternoon. Horologists are like that. Focused. I’m only going into this much detail to explain that today’s smart watches were not simply an extension of our smart phones or our Fitbits. It’s possible that smart phones actually evolved from the 1940s notion that a wristwatch can be an instrument of communication as well as time and location. You know better than I do what today’s smart watches can do. That’s because I don’t own one. I don’t even own a digital watch. (Gasp!) I don’t need one. Wherever I am in the house or car, there’s a glowing display that tells me the time in digital format. My wristwatches are practical pieces of jewelry, purchased at discount stores or online at bargain prices. I’m imitating the Queen of Naples and Countess Koscowicz, only instead of gold and pearls, I’m wearing alloys in mixed colors that match my earrings. These watches all have second hands jerking in endless circles, letting me know their batteries have not yet died. I wear them in case I can’t reach my phone, the essential tool that tells me not only what time it is but what day of the week, because I can’t remember that anymore either. When I do grab my phone, I can glance at the watch icon on the home screen. It has a minuscule second hand revolving around its analog clock display. Gives a whole new meaning to “whatever goes around comes around,” doesn’t it? My sister-in-law wears a smart watch. When she visits, I can see her jerking every ten minutes or so. Her watch has zapped her with the information that she needs to get up and walk. She taps it into silence until the next ten-minute zap. From what she says, it tells her every morning how well she’s slept the night before and why she’s tired when she gets up. It also tells her that she hasn’t walked enough steps on any given day. I suppose it will eventually tell her she’s consumed too many grams of sugar. That’s probably embedded in next year’s model. An acquaintance has a similar watch, one with text messaging and chat features. When she calls me in the morning I can tell whether she’s scrambling eggs or frying bacon as she rambles on, and whether or not she’s fed the cat to its satisfaction. I’m not entirely sure these are good things. It strikes me more like strapping on our own personal miniaturized versions of the overly solicitous computer Hal in the movie 2001 - A Space Odyssey. At some point, will they tell us we’re redundant? We live in challenging times. Danger lurks at every intersection. Do we really need our watches to give us more reasons to be neurotic, to worry we’re not doing enough or doing it right? Do we really need them to tell us we’re sleeping wrong? I could be overreacting. Smart watches may simply be the latest toy, the newest acquisition. Eventually, we may just get implants in our wrists and go back to wearing antique watches on pendants, as jewelry, for fun and showmanship. However it works out, whether they are bits of status, objects of personal adornment, or critically important robotic field surgeons, I think it’s fairly safe to assert that as long as they’ve been in existence and until they become obsolete, watches qualify as Very Important Pieces.